A new comic!
Yesterday, I tweeted about the revised Master/slave protocols that will appear in the D/sM-V, due to be published next year. Here are a few of the new official protocols:
- A slave must walk six paces behind their Master… backwards.
- In war zones, a slave must walk ahead of their Master while doing the Charleston, thus clearing any landmines in their path.
- If a slave wishes to be released, they must notify their Master via singing telegram.
- A Master may castrate a male slave without his consent, but the only acceptable method for castration is by locking the slave in the bathroom with a family of irritable badgers.
- Upon receiving instructions, a slave must signal compliance by rolling their eyes and saying “Whatever!” with an exaggerated sigh. Making a W with their hands is optional.
- A Master may recruit slaves by setting bear traps in dark corners of a Leather bar.
- Slaves may only safeword in a tonal language like Cantonese.
- If a Master has three or more slaves, he must make them into a human centipede.
The controversy surrounding John D. Weal’s new book, The Leatherman’s Protocol Handbook, highlights the abundance of misinformation about the Old Guard™ circulating in our communities. To set the record straight, here are some Twue facts about the hallowed history of Old Guard™ Leather:
- In the 50s and 60s, gay WWII vets living in San Francisco were drawn together by a shared interest in what would become the foundations of the Leather lifestyle: forming committees.
- Many of the first Leathermen rode motorcycles because they couldn’t afford unicorns, the preferred mount of the Old Guard™.
- Most Old Guard™ Leathermen weren’t interested in BDSM or even sex. That tradition continues today, as most Leather clubs still require their officers to sign abstinence pledges.
- The first Leather clubs had complex rules for how patches and pins were to be arranged on club vests. Though these rules have fallen out of fashion in today’s Leather clubs, they now form the basis for the T.G.I.Friday’s employee handbook.
- Based on the boot impressions found in the layers of petrified Crisco at the Catacombs, archaeologists have concluded that Old Guard™ Leathermen always wore mismatched boots, often in two different sizes.
- As the Old Guard™ was a direct offshoot of the temperance movement, Leathermen never played under the influence of alcohol or drugs. In fact, Leather bars only served water or Kool-Aid.
Everyone’s cutting back their budget in this economy. What are some good ways for BDSM aficionados to save money?
Whenever there is a recession, most people start cutting costs on toys. For example, some tops buy their toys at hardware stores, instead of paying triple the price in adult shops and kink catalogs. This is the wrong approach, as the amount of pain and/or pleasure you can inflict with a toy is directly proportional to what you paid for it. I wouldn’t even recommend buying your toys on sale. If anything, you should shop around for the highest prices. Believe me; a true bottom can always tell the difference.
Instead, look for ways you can use BDSM to reduce expenses in other areas of your budget. You can save hundreds of dollars a month by canceling your medical insurance and treating illnesses with medical play instead. Masters can reduce grocery costs by two-thirds by allowing their slaves only one meal a day. Most slaves are already hiding their compulsive shoplifting from their Masters, so just give your slave permission and a shoplifting list.
Also, many frequently used safety supplies can be reused over and over again or dispensed with entirely. Needles get better the more they are reused, since duller needles are more painful. After fisting, recollect all the Crisco from your bottom’s hole and put it back in the can. Instead of spraying down your insertables with Cavicide between uses, just tell your partners that you did. After all, RACK only requires the top to be risk-aware, so you need not tell bottoms how you’re cutting corners on safety.
Can anyone explain data encapsulation to me? Why is locking away variables important?
submitted by Canageek
First off, let me say that I appreciate your courage in asking about such an extremely taboo and horribly revolting fetish as data encapsulation. Especially knowing that you are likely to become the unwitting poster child for data-related fetishes once my reply is published. Henceforth, when your friends see you, they won’t be able to help but picture you encapsulating data all over the place. Don’t be offended if they throw up in their mouths a little.
Data encapsulation is widely regarded as an example of ultrakink, invented just last year by hipster perverts disenchanted with the recent mass popularity of regular kink. Ultrakink is generally more extreme, more disgusting and more controversial than the edgiest edgeplay that most well-adjusted, law-abiding kinksters have ever dared to imagine. Other examples include extreme earlobe bondage, Wicked Grounds milkshake enemas and visually admiring rolls of duct tape from across the room. Most of the fetishes classified as ultrakink are still so obscure that it hasn’t yet occurred to Canadian MPs to ban them. However, that will probably change once I’ve forwarded this reply to them along with your home address.
Contrary to popular misconception, dataphiles don’t just encapsulate. You can also encrypt, decrypt, recrypt, ingest, excrete and smear data all over your partner(s). Sometimes, the smeared data is ingested and excreted again just to drive the point home. You are only limited by your imagination. Taboo play maven Mollena Williams is rumored to teach data play and other forms of ultrakink. However, she can’t teach it openly, lest she inadvertently popularize it and reduce its obscure appeal. I recommend that you hide under her bed and wait until she starts talking in her sleep. Write down everything she says and execute her instructions faithfully, especially with regard to “kittehs” and “noms.”
As for your second question, variables are people who practice ultra-D/s. They are notoriously moody and capricious, oscillating randomly between dominant and submissive roles, usually without telling anyone. They just expect you to know and will post lengthy diatribes on FetLife if you don’t use the title they prefer at that moment. It is important to lock them away because they are just fucking annoying.
Have a question you’d like to ask BDSM Bad Advice? Submit it via Formspring or send it to us at email@example.com.